Real programmers don't eat quiche. They like
Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Real programmers don't write application programs.
They write embedded systems programs, operating systems, or
utility programs. Applications programming is for dullards who
can't do systems programming.
Real programmers don't write specs. Users should
be grateful for whatever they get; they're lucky to get any
programs at all.
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it
was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and impossible
Real programmers don't write documentation.
Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the
object code from a dump.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts
are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen
drew flowcharts; look how much good it did for them.
Real programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a
reference is the hallmark of a novice and a coward.
Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is
for gum chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN
is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over
finite-state analysis and nuclear reaction simulation.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually,
no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real programmers don't use high level languages.
They program right down to the bare metal !
Real programmers' programs don't work right the
first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be
atched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real
Programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they were up all
Real programmers disdain structured programming.
Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were
prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line
up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
Real programmers have no use for managers.
Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with
personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental
Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.
The decimal point was invented for pansy bed wetters who are
unable to "think big".
Real programmers don't drive clapped-out
Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns, pickup trucks with floor
shifts or 140mph Taurus SHOs. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
Real programmers don't believe in schedules.
Planners make schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Real
programmers ignore schedules.
Real programmers like vending-machine popcorn.
Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat
given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running just by
listening to the rate of popping.
Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If
the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine
doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. And....
VENDING MACHINES DON'T SELL QUICHE!