A Programmers Guide


  • Real programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

  • Real programmers don't write application programs. They write embedded systems programs, operating systems, or utility programs. Applications programming is for dullards who can't do systems programming.

  • Real programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get; they're lucky to get any programs at all.

  • Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and impossible to modify.

  • Real programmers don't write documentation. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from a dump.

  • Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did for them.

  • Real programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of a novice and a coward.

  • Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for gum chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.

  • Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite-state analysis and nuclear reaction simulation.

  • Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.

  • Real programmers don't use high level languages. They program right down to the bare metal !

  • Real programmers' programs don't work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be atched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

  • Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they were up all night.

  • Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

  • Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.

  • Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed wetters who are unable to "think big".

  • Real programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns, pickup trucks with floor shifts or 140mph Taurus SHOs. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

  • Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.

  • Real programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running just by listening to the rate of popping.

  • Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. And....